Deep Sadhana Blog

I can always count on a 40 day intensive to be a full and rich journey. Full of life experience, emotions, dedication and most of all community. What it means to “SHOW UP”.
In the past, I had the tendency to be flaky late constantly or just simply a no show. Along with that behavior and attitude also came addiction. A masking of the present by getting high, drunk or taking some pills. I was a master at unconscious living. I did not show up and when I did I was not fully there.
Now through dedication to my practice, my studio and my community I see what true commitment and the ability to “SHOW UP” really means. It means that when something arises I am in it, whether it be hard, joyful, challenging or amazing. I take it in and try to let it go. Most times that is easier said then done but by showing up I am giving myself a chance to live a REAL life. One that is conscious and clear. I have embraced what it means to be transparent! I am beginning to see the REAL me and I have to say I really like her!
Sat Nam
Excercise
Stand in front of your mirror and look your and look yourself in the eyes. Do this for 3-11 minutes. See the god within you. Breathe long and deep.

On March 27th 2007 ,I received a phone call from my mom who had told me that my god brother was killed in Iraq. We were so close in age, he just had a baby and a new wife and I could not believe that this good for nothing war had taken yet another life. This time it hit home.
After I hung up the phone my boyfriend and I had began to talk about the war, which stirred up some anger, but more importantly we began to speak about death. I was crying and telling him that some people just die too soon and it brought us deeper into the subject. We began to speak about it like we had never discussed before in our six year relationship. As it grew later and I grew tired I ended up falling asleep on the couch only to wake up at 4 am to move into our bed.

We lie  awake and continued our conversation and cuddled and soon began making love, something that makes you feel so alive after being consumed by the topic of death. It was beautiful, as it had been most times. When we finished we lay there relaxed, still pitch dark outside and our legs intertwined. And in that moment I felt the most amazing sense of god I have ever felt before, a huge “whoosh” of energy came up my legs, through my heart and into my head, and I remember clearly thinking: “I am completely at peace”.  Within seconds I felt a sudden jerk, a tightening of his legs around mine and I felt his head jerk back. With no light in the room I simply asked, Are you alright?  I got no response.Within seconds I jump to action, turn on the light, only to realize he is not alright, and call 911. I pull his beautiful 6′2 body to the floor and listen intently, consciously and awarely to hear him breath. I just keep saying breath baby, breathe!  You can do this.

The paramedics arrive, they ask me to leave the room so they can ask me a few questions. Within minutes my best friend Ryan arrives and I tell him to go look at Michael. He goes to the room stares inside only to see the most beautiful light.  A illumination of sorts.

Shortly there after though my lover of 6 years was pronounced dead. And a huge part of me died that day. I  was completely overcome by grief, saddness, fear and depression. This fire energy that had so helped me to stay motivated in the past turned into to self destruction and rage. A rage that I held tight within. But my commitment to my practice stayed strong amidst the struggle. I devoted myself months after to my 4th Kundalini teacher training.  I drove two weekends a month to the bay area not knowing anything except I was willing to “keep showing up”.

Through this “keeping up” I began to feel “kept up” in a way that was different than before. Kept up in a way that allowed me to experience a higher consciousness, a deeper sense of self, and validation that commitment to one’s self even under traumatic situations pays off. It allows you to see that no matter what you really do have everything that it takes!

Excercise

So often we are hard on ourselves for the things that we have not accomplished or things we could have done differently. I encourage you to journal an inspirational story starring yourself. Ways in which you stuck with something challenging and saw it to the other side, or a time in which your strength inspired others.  Know your beauty, recognize your strength and continue to find the peace within!

Sat Nam

We have declared every Friday, a fun Friday… Loosening up by either shortening the kriya, lengthening the relaxation or working on different areas other than the naval point. We also  give out prizes and this Friday we gave out prizes to deep “regulars”. People who show up not only to Sadhana but  also to our regularly scheduled classes on a semi weekly or daily basis.

One of these regulars in particularly has been committed to deep and her practice for about a year and a half now. In this time I have watched this woman soften in ways that allow her light to shine even brighter! Her strong love of yoga, her openess and honesty, but most importantly her willingness to give  is remarkably remarkable.

Thank you Teddi Chann for being you, for your commitment and for your consistency and love. I am better for knowing you!

Excercise:

Bring light into your own home by added a little element of fire.  Light candles, or if you are sensitive to smoke or have young children, get the battery operated candles (you can find them at the mixed bag at 24th and k). Create and atmoshpere that is warm and energizing. This can help you feel positive, relaxed and enthusiastic.

Today I had the opportunity to be a student as Stacy lead Sadhana. I feel blessed to have teachers that are totally committed to the community at deep.
She lead us through a 22 minute kriya of the same exercise. One that totally worked the liver. In the past this would of been an excrutiating experience but today it was a pleasure to be my own witness. A witness of the body, the breath, and the mind. I began to recognize what continually showing up does. I began to recognize that my relationship with myself had gone to a deeper level. One that allowed for me to nurture, push, relax, breathe, observe and be challenged with in one movement over and over, and I loved every minute of it.

We are currently in the middle of our 40 day Sadhana and revisiting our definition of commitment. For each of us it looks different. I look at this blog as an example. My goal was to commit to writing every day during Sadhana and I have fallen very short of that.
That leads me to the question then of what else do I over commit to? What other areas in my life do I say or set out to do something and make up reasons or excuses why I can’t.
There are a million and one reasons why I have not blogged every day but who cares really. I said I was going to, I did not, end of story.
So what this really comes down to for me is this, I need to continue this journey on strengthening my navel point! Activating the third chakra gives us power over our patterns so that we can continue to re-create new ones that more fully represent the real you!
So here I go, I am going to re-commit to this blog for the rest of Sadhana and drop the stories that are keeping me from keeping my word!
Exercise of the day:
Investigate the areas of your life where you create stories to make yourself feel better about breaking commitments. See what comes up for you and bring yourself back into your breath. Long and deep, belly to chest.
Sat Nam

I woke this morning in the bay area after an amazingly advanced Kundalini course last night. I woke feeling well rested but quite edgy. (Maybe I just missed my Sadhana peeps) So prior to heading to the train station I realized that my edginess had a heat to it and it was located in my belly. I soon began to identify where it was coming from and my first instinct was to let it rage, knowing that temporarily that would feel good. It would satisfy a need to share this discomfort. How kind of me!
Anger and edginess have never been feelings that I have felt comfortable or familiar releasing. I came from a family that never argued or got angry out loud. We held it in and it morphed into other emotions such as fear and anxiety or unspoken truth (repression).
Fortunately, as I show up to my practice daily I am gaining comfort with these emotions realizing that they are a natural part of being human. What is not, is letting these emotions run your life rather utilizing them to make progress in your own path.
So today as I sat in my anger and discomfort, I allowed myself 5 minutes without distraction to track emotionally where it was coming from and physically where it landed. Once I got those answers, amazingly enough many other answers came too.
So I then took that intensity and utilized it for making positive progress toward other areas of growth that have been lacking energy. I utilized that fire, that flame to ignite movement in areas that I have been procrastinating in.
It ended up being a huge gift because I allow myself the time to be present with it!

Exercise
When feeling an uncomfortable emotion or feeling, don’t move away from it move into it. Sit in stillness, feel it, is it hot or cold, tight or loose, where in the body does it land? Observe it and honor it. Give it the attention that it needs so that it can move through you rather than deeper into you.

As we move into week three of this 40 day intensive we review our breath as the basis for our health and well being, recognize how important the stability of our nervous system is and this week begin to explore our digestive system. Our digestive system is a huge part of the foundation to our health. It is how we process and break down our food. In yoga though we connect both the mental and the physical. So aside from the physical aspect of breaking down our food we look at the mentality of how we break down our thoughts and ideas.
Many times when we struggle with digestion or heartburn we are struggling with accepting life the way it is. We are struggling with our concept of self and self love. So as we move into exploring our digestive system this week I ask you to digest this:
When you SIT down to eat become aware of how you are feeling.
Take 7 deep belly to chest breaths before putting the food into your mouth.
Chew thoroughly and enjoy your meal.

Sat Nam!

I spent today in the bay area meeting with my spiritual teacher Baba aka Dr. Khalsa.  As I continue to commit myself to leading the 40 day intensive it also allows me to reflect all the areas of my life that I commit to. One of them being a weekly journey to east bay to seek spiritual counseling.

Each Monday night I drive to the bay and take Dr. Khalsa’s class and every Tuesday we have breakfast or lunch together. Dr. Khalsa’s teaching was the driving force to a deeper understanding of the technology of Kundalini Yoga. He is direct and patient, kind and most of all funny! He is an expert on the nervous system and in times of desperate need I have called on his expertise to help me heal. And that he has done.

So in reflecting on his role in my life, I also reflect on what an example he has set for me to become an expert of my own. An expert of self.  In doing so I continue to research more and more on the nervous system. Today I encourage you to do the same. Become a master, an expert on the subject of  YOU!  We study history, math, science, geography, but it is time to study the subject of self. Learn about how you operate both emotionally and physically, know yourself inside and out. Master yourself and you master the universe!

Sat Nam!

An excercise on getting to know you

Stand in front of the mirror and look yourself in the eyes.

Look at you and breath, become aware of any thoughts andfeelings that go along with your visual sense of self.

Start with 3 minutes and build up to 11 minutes.

As we come back from the weekend something strikes me as interesting…. Their is an option to show up for Sadhana during the weekend and less than half of the students show up, which leads me to ask this question: Do they do it on their own or do they simply take a break from it all together?
In actuality there is no right or wrong path, but speaking from personal experience I tend to take a break or cut myself slack when I feel like I “deserve it”. Go easy when I have been working hard.
What does that mean for you? Does it mean slacking on eating healthy foods, slacking on getting restorative rest, drinking too much in celebration of your hard work?
So many times we associate  self care with letting go and having fun rather than basking in self  love and making the most of our “time off”. In essence this creates a nervous system that is in constant need of recovery.
This week we are looking at how our choices directly effect our nervous system. Healing a nervous system that undergoes stress and trauma on a daily basis.

Things to help the nervous system

Taking a cold shower

Relaxing

Yoga

I decided to tag Friday’s of Sadhana as fun days. So today we gave our navel point a break and did a yoga set that included a lot of heart opening exercises. One of the exercises you would not find in most yoga’s, but leave it to a Kundalini yoga set to include dancing. This is not just any kind of dancing, this included dancing as you keep your arms over your head to high powered Bhangra music. As you keep your arms over your head not only do you build a sweat but you also draw the circulation into the heart. So there at 5:45 am we had a deep dance party! What a great way to start the day, although some in the group may disagree.

I encouraged the students to truly embrace that saying “dance like nobody’s watching”. Considering most of us were busting our move with our eyes closed, that statement could not have been more true.  So dance, dance I said! And dance for no one other than yourself. Recognize that there is no right or wrong dance.  Be free, liberate your body, breathe deep and explore the wonders of your own creative movement!

Dancing at home

Turn the music up and lift your arms up, begin to really move. Keep your arms up throughout and continue for 6- 12 minutes.  Take a break if you need to but try and see how long you can stay with it. This is an excellent activity to inhance cardio vascular health and happiness.